The Sloptart is moving! –and changing names probably

I’ve migrated the old site over here to, but I’m still working out the design details of this site. Any feedback would be really great…  In the meantime, I’m making plenty of food (both disgusting and delicious) and will probably start posting more mid-December and have the site finished by January.


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Hiatus Interruption.

A friend of mine posted this today and my mind was blown.

I can’t even begin to explain how cheated I feel. Please, if you love someone, share this with them. 

The Sloptart will resume blogging in the next couple of weeks. Prep yo’ stomachs and mind-bleach, kids, it’s gonna be good.

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Cheesy Pulped Apple-Chicken Pastry Burrito

leftover Beer Can Chicken, stale popped cord, a questionable cottage cheese tub, and some freshly thawed phyllo dough

Last week, a friendly bartender told me that he had cooked a an entire tray of beer can chicken and that he had so much in leftovers that he couldn’t eat it all. I told him to wait a couple more days and  I would be in to pick it up over the weekend (y’know, let it age a little).  I had actually forgotten about it and walked down to the bar to just have a cocktail…Several hours later, I was stumbling home with a tinfoil tray full of deliciously borderline spoiled chicken. The next day I had a horrible hangover and cooked nothing. Then I woke up the next day with some kind of head cold and made myself clean the kitchen and cook something decently disgusting. The above picture is what I found lying around. Some air-popped popcorn that my sister gave me three prior…a bucket of cottage cheese that I hadn’t opened in at least a week, some phyllo and of course…the chicken.

oh yeah, and an apple:

..and one small mealy apple

I have no idea what this deadly sharp implement is…

I’ve cut my hands so many times with this thing

I mean…what is this even supposed to be used for? Sawing carrots into wedges?Perfectly cutting grapefruits? Making cuts so small on your hands and fingers you don’t know about them until you try and wash your hands or handle something even mildly acidic that the things that you used to call your hands are now just flesh sacks transmitting constant pain to your brain parts? I don’t know…but I’ve found it’s pretty good at coring apples:

A regular knife probably could’ve done that same job…but then what would I have used this dumb thing for?

So then I chopped the apple into slightly smaller bits and put them aside….


As this used to be an entire chicken…possibly even several chickens, there were lots of little bones and even very large bones– I separated the bones and put the pulled chicken aside…..for……..

If you didn’t see this coming…you really need to go back and re-read my blog posts

The Juicer!

Of course…I put the wrong attachment on and it actually started juicing instead of homogenizing, which is what I wanted, so I ended up having to take the apple-chicken juice (that you can see puddling in the first container) and mixing it with the rather dry chicken-apple pulp.



See, the pop corn serves two purposes here–one, as a filler, and the second to act as a kind of broom, or really more like a mop to get all the left over liquid from the apple and the chicken in the juicer

After this–I mixed about a half cup of this cottage cheese in with the mixture, along with some basil, cumin, and garlic salt…I question these spices still…but I wasn’t really thinking straight as I was sneezing every minute or so.

I didn’t even have to scoop anything growing out of this thing!

Phyllo, while delicious, is incredibly tedious to work with.

Apparently–its best to melt butter and slather it all over the dough before you work with it. Can’t argue with that! The box obviously knows best….butter it is.

just spread this slop all over where you slathered butter over the dough

You’ve got to be really careful with this crap. This dough rips so easily. It’s like humongous delicious and buttery Bible pages…and just as sacred. Don’t be rough with this dough.

I tried to put butter all over where I was rolling it up as well

Butter pretty much everything. What could it hurt?

And into the oven for 15 minutes @350F


After 15 minutes, I pulled the oven open to discover that this thing had split all the way down the side, hotdog-wise.  While devastating, I decided to crank up the heat and leave it in for another 10-15 minutes.

After another 10 minutes or so @400F it was sufficiently crispy on the outside

this looks awful.

This looks even worse.

It tastes kind of like a chicken pot pie or something… But not as good. Buttery…a little apple. ….I can’t actually taste anything in this except cumin and butter. In my shame, I ended up eating the entire thing.


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No Slop Today.

Instead of making an actual post today, I decided that I would fix the site a little bit so that it didn’t look like total garbage.

Somehow I had nested pictures inside of the captions of other pictures, and for some other reason, that made the side bar appear at the bottom of the home page, which doesn’t really exist because the homepage just keeps going and going until you reach the end of my disgusting posts. So! you may navigate freely to the right here. Unless you’re using the mobile version in which case, just disregard everything I just said.

Also, I think I’ll make a post tomorrow…so check back at some point this weekend!


just in case you missed it–

The Free-Times, Columbia’s free weekly, did a “Story” or maybe a a “Review” on The Sloptart. It’s a rare glimpse at the interior of my apartment and with much better photography. Many thanks to Tug and Jonathan–this really was a lot of fun!


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Dim Sum Risotto

The other night I drank gin on an empty stomach.  The following is an account (lightly edited for readability) of me trying to make dinner and write about it.

//////Live blog/////

this is some dim sum I got in Charlotte about a week and a half ago


What we have here is some chicken feet, a sesame ball, a pork bun, and some kind of tofu cake thing, all of these were pretty good. The tofu was probably the worst though. no. the chicken feet…they had a good taste to them though.,,,


Who needs to take iron supplements when you got a knife like this?

This is the inside of the pork bun. I have no idea what I’m going to do with this.

Feng Zhao, also known as Phoenix Talons, also known as Chicken Paws

Just chop it up real good. I accidentally just licked my fingers.

I would advise using a crappy knife to cut up the chicken feet…or a really nice sharp butchers knife, ’cause there are a lot of little bones in this things. I don’t have nice anything, so I used a crappy old rusted knife.

Sesame goo ball.

I microwaved this sesame goo ball to make it a little better. I burned my mouth and my fingers eating it, so I just ate the rest. I can’t think of anything to to with this anyways. Sloptart Appetizer, I guess…

okay, I think this is coming together. Miraculously, I had all of the things to make some kind of stock in my fridge.  Chicken foot stock.

this pot is way too small

this pot is appropriately sized

This looks pretty good, right? I mean, I had almost forgotten that this thing was made of chicken feet.

ALL OF THIS SMELLS SO BAD. I just added a bunch of garlic paste. It smells maybe worse now. God this smells awful.

I strained all the vegetables and feet bits out and was left with a nice little stock

I just found a bag of rice, so I think I’m going to make risotto. Its brown rice. I hope that doesnt matter too much.

The trick to Risotto is that you just keep stirring. Stirring, and adding stock

dont make risotto this way, by the way

So, keep adding stock little by little until its all used up.

this rice is not cooked. it is hard and crunchy and very hot. do not eat this like this. Add water if you ran out of stock

also, if the rice isn’t cooked all the way like this, just start pouring water in instead

this is taking forever.

After about 2 hours of stirring I am sober and the rice is edible…so I put it back in that little pot I had before that was too small for everything else.

THEN I took all the extra dim sum stuff and chopped it up

This was a legitimately shocking discovery

I cant even talk about that pink stuff on top. I really thought all of this was just tofu. If you know what that pink stuff is, please leave me a comment.

okay, now “stir-fried” the diced pork bun and the sliced tofu-pinkmeat until it was browned and crispy






And garnished with an extra Feng Zhao on the side.


This was oily and delicious and took way too long for it to basically just be rice.




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Pimiento Cheese Fries Dumpling Triple Threat

pimiento cheese fries from Henry's and some other bull crap

These are well over a week old…I think they’re actually verging on two weeks at this point.

So, here we have some Pimiento Cheese Fries leftover from a trip to Henry’s – These were excellent when they were fresh, and I knew I had to do something with them, but I couldn’t quite figure out what. I would like to note too that the waitress was nice enough to put some ranch in a to-go cup as well for me–totally unnecessary as far as this blog goes (as I was probably just going to mush it all up together anyway), but very kind, nonetheless.

and so, we begin the obligatory chopping…

Let’s being just chopping up everything.  At this point, I have the cheese fries themselves, and some olives.

These guys just love rolling all around when you’re trying to chop them

Oh right! These are actually jalapeno stuffed olives, and they are also delicious.

Looks just like Christmas!
Like some kind of awful fruitcake, that is. A fruitcake made out of old cheese fries and olives.

NEXT, add the ranch and begin the mixing and mushing.

YUM. Two week old ranch dressing–lookit them baby curds!

On the surface, the ranch looked fine…when I began pouring, it…it was too late. All or nothing, son!

This stuff is great.

I’ll say it again, “This stuff is great.” …’cause it is. The thing I hate about using tomato paste, is that usually there’s no way I can use an entire can of the stuff, even the really small one, so I end up either throwing it away, or feeling guilty and using it all anyway and having stuff come out tasting like tomatoey crap.  I also just noticed that this says to refrigerate after opening…oops.  Mix in about a tablespoon of this stuff! I mean….why not, right? It’ll be like ketchup, or something.

this is probably way too much filling

Fold it…then push it in somehow. This is what the directions on the won ton package told me.

I tried to follow the directions on the package, and these look pretty good I guess, but I got bored with making these…so I did some different things too. The sort of “Crab Rangoon” style, and then those little “Twisty Topped” steamed things. Then that got me thinking and I decided that I should cook them all differently because I’m a fatbo and can’t decide if fried dumplings or steamed dumplings would taste better to me right now. …and I guess I’ll give baked ones a try too.




So, fried and baked are pretty self explanatory–but, steaming dumplings is not if you don’t have a steamer. I used the “Pot Sticker” method…what you do is you put a little bit of water in a skillet, place the dumplings in the water, and cover them, turn up the heat to medium and basically just wait for all the water to evaporate–I think it takes just a little over 5 minutes.  Then you gotta scrape ‘em off the pan — I usually just put a little bit of water back in the pan and scrape them off that way.

Pimiento Cheese Fries Dumpling Triple Threat

The final product.  These were pretty awesome…They need some kind of dipping sauce though…maybe a hot mustard or something. Also, they were pretty salty and kind of a pain to make.




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Mustard glazed turkey sausage


Kind of a quick one today…I had some turkey sausages that were about to turn, so I threw them in the skillet.  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed I had left the mustard out and figured, “why not?” I let them simmer in yellow mustard and garlic powder for another minute or so and ate the bejeezes out of them.


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